I reckon that there’s only so much room in your life for hate. Not in a save-the-whales, where-have-all-the-flowers-gone sense, just that you’d never get anything done if you hated all kinds of shit.
I’m not a fan of, let’s say, cricket. I pretend can’t stand cricket. Fake despise it. The bats, the balls, the running around – it drives me (not really) crazy.
And don’t get me started on the elderly. Jesus, the elderly – they’re slow, right – but they don’t seem to know it. All getting in the way and being old and stuff. SEETHE. (really though.)
And if it’s not cricket or the elderly it’s the fucking F… okay wait lock the doors.
The point is that if I spent my whole time hating on cricket and the elderly (AAAAARGH!) I wouldn’t have time to concentrate on things which are awesome, like string quartets, nice days in parks, and those fluffy bao that you get sometimes. Those things are ace! Cheer the fuck up!
So outrage is kind of a negative externality. Not really, in the sense that it isn’t one of those things at all, but listen – people get bored of you banging on about the things that you hate so much. So kind of it is, which is the best kind of is.
And we solve those things with cap and trade.
introducing outrage tokens
So, in a well-meaning-but-naive-and-ultimately-misguided effort spare the world from your bitterness YES YOU, we’re introducing a tokens-based cap and trade system on outrage.
And in the spirit of the day, it’s self policing – how better to marry the competing ideals of late-stage capitalism with the blinding reality that there is a problem and we must solve it?
Of course self policing regulation doesn’t work – of course it fucking doesn’t – but listen, dance with the girl what brung you and follow this simple mantra: “it’s better than nothing, government is inefficient, the market will correct itself”.
THE IMPLEMENTATION IS SIMPLE
SO the deal is you get a number of tokens equal to your age (right I know, we’ll come back to it, but you won’t like it) – and you get to divvy the tokens out across the issues you care about hating, thus:
1 token for a mild dislike of a thing: “Jesus Christ, that coffee guy is an asshole” – that’ll cost you one token. If you ease up a bit, slow the hate-train a little, you get your token back.
10 tokens for an intense, consistent seething: “U.S. foreign policy is a fucking wreck and something must be done“. This is classic middle-class dinner-party fodder, right up at the top of the angry bell curve. If you have lots of these you need to chill the fuck out about most things.
20 tokens for unmitigated hatred: because of math, you’ll only get a few of these if you’re lucky. This is red-face, throbbing vein territory. If you choose to spend this token you’ll probably get to punch a cat or something, whatever. It’ll be okay because you’re just. that. angry and what are crimes of passion for if not that.
Honestly I don’t know – best left as an exercise for the free market. traders being as they are, we foresee a rich secondary market in anger derivatives.
THE AGE THING
every time you have a birthday, society rewards you with another token. You can look at this in one of two ways:
- you’ve probably done enough good things that you deserve to be irritated about stuff a bit more. Get off my lawn, and all that. Fair play to ya, gramps.
- old people are more angry about things anyway, and if we didn’t reflect this in our model, our model would be broken. QED.
- Fuck you and the horse you rode in on?
Right great, -1 token.
- Why would I…
It’s working great for carbon!
Right, but I don’t need t…
- Hate isn’t really a resource though, is it?
- You failed economics, didn’t you?
I’ve never taken an economics class in my entire life shut up